I grew up in a family where my parents called each other's parents "mom" and "dad." Well, "mama" and "baba" in Chinese. For me, that was the norm and what I expected to do should I ever get married. And I like that, because to me, it suggests a closeness and warmth in the relationships. When I got engaged, I asked Chris if it would be weird for me to call his parents "mom" and "dad" or some version of it. It feels weird to me to call them the same thing I call my parents--it's just so personal. But I wanted to build a closeness with them, especially as I felt it must be hard for them to have their son permanently move an ocean and a country away. So, it was helpful we could go British with the terms, since Chris' father is British. But I was surprised by Chris' response. He said, "It's old-fashioned, but I think they'd like it." Old-fashioned? Up until then, I thought everyone did it. Then just a few weeks ago, I learned something interesting about Chinese culture that I didn't know before, and I decided to survey my friends to see how everyone addresses their in-laws. I learned recently that in Chinese you're never supposed to address your elders by their names. You address them by their title so to speak, or who they are to you. This started making sense of why I don't know anyone's names in my family, unless they have an English name. For example, I know my paternal grandparents' English names, but I actually have no clue what their Chinese names are. It's not like here, where you might differentiate grandmothers by saying Grandma Margaret and Grandma Suzie. Furthermore, there are different ways to address each family member based on what side of the family they are on. Now that everyone has seen Crazy Rich Asians and The Farewell, you may have noticed that in the former, Henry Golding's character calls his grandma Ama, and so follows suit Constance Wu's character. In The Farewell, Awkwafina calls her grandma NaiNai. This is because your grandma on your father's side is your NaiNai, and your grandma on your mother's side is your Ama. There may be other terms in other regions/dialects, but hopefully you catch my drift. My mom has two older brothers and one younger sister. The eldest I call "Da JoJo" (Big Uncle) and the younger of the two "Xiao JoJo" (Small Uncle). For some reason with my mom's sister we do actually just call her Auntie "[Given Name]."
As I asked my friends what they do in their family, everyone had a different response. One friend said that her in-laws only allow either Mrs. and Mr. So and So, or "Mom" and "Dad." Another friend mentioned that her husband calls her parents "Mom" and "Dad," but has been doing that since high school. And he used to call all his friends' parents "Mom" and "Dad," but it obviously stuck with hers since they have been together so long, plus they really have been like parents to him for so long. For a newly married friend of mine, she said she's starting to call her in-laws affectionate forms of "mom" and "dad" in Spanish, because it's starting to feel weird calling them by their first names. And when I asked my Lebanese friend what she and her husband do, I thought for sure their traditions or practice of what to call your in-laws would be similar to the Chinese, but I was once more surprised. I mean, I was not wrong in that I expected some level of formality similar to the Chinese, but she and her husband address each other's parents very differently (at least to me it feels very different). She calls her in-laws "tante" and "uncle," which is French for aunt and uncle, because Lebanese dialect is heavily influenced by the French. But her husband calls her parents "Mother of (insert oldest son's name)" and "Father of (insert oldest son's names)." In a way, this is similar to what I learned about Chinese culture. Chris can technically call my parents the more affectionate terms of "mom" and "dad" or "YueFu" and "YueMu" which translates to father-in-law and mother-in-law. So, after asking around I learned three big things. First, every family is different no matter what culture you come from. Second, I think I would not be incorrect to say that in cultures that revolve heavily around families (the whole vs. the individual) such as Chinese culture, Mexican culture, and Lebanese culture, there does seem to be a tradition and inclination towards using "mom" and "dad" or something more formal. Thirdly, for myself and my peers who grew up similarly and probably with similar family values, calling your in-laws "mom" and "dad" or some version of that is not something we do (or at least want to do) out of formality, but only if we feel a certain level endearment to feel comfortable with using such affectionate terms. As I mentioned earlier, I couldn't call my in-laws "mom" and "dad," or "mommy and daddy," or even "mom and pop," which are all terms I use for my parents, because it's so personal and felt weird to call someone else the same things I call my parents. But thankfully there were alternatives. I'm curious to know how more people, especially in other countries and cultures, address their in-laws, so if you'd like to share what your family does, feel free to leave a comment below or send me a private message through the contact page! I'm always curious to see how cultures and generations have evolved!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Categories
All
|
|