I was gutted to hear that Daisy Coleman took her life yesterday. I was shocked. I had to read the words at least three times before I fully comprehended what was happening. I didn't know her well, but I met her and the SafeBAE (Safe Before Anyone Else) team she co-founded a couple of years ago when I had the privilege of speaking on a panel at the end of a screening for their short GAME ON! The short was an educational piece to show teens how to look out for each other and prevent sexual assault by being an active bystander.
They, like myself, have a mission in life to help our younger and future generations change our culture for the better. After watching her story in the Netflix documentary, "Audrie and Daisy," I felt a sisterly connection with her, the way I do with all survivors. Daisy didn't deserve what happened to her. No woman or child does. She was just 14 when she was raped and left out in the freezing Missouri cold. But instead of her town and school supporting her and helping her heal, they turned on her. They bullied her at school and online.
Healing is not a straight and narrow path, but one full of ups and downs, U-turns, and off-roading. I, myself, know this well. Daisy did a lot of work on her healing, including EMDR, and was in the process of making a documentary showing her journeh. Daisy gave the world a gift when she became an activist. She turned her nightmare into a million dreams. And I, like so many others, was inspired by her. She was also an artist, and became known for tatooing other survivors. She took what happened to her and lit the way to help other young survivors.
We must continue that work. We can't let children continue to have their innocence robbed from them and then slaughtered in front of their faces. We can't let a culture of sexual assault to continue. This means educating young people on how to protect themselves and each other. This means not letting offenders get away with a mere slap of the wrist like so many young white male rapists have gotten away with. You can help continue Daisy’s and SafeBAE's work by donating to their organization. For the rest of the year, I will also donate a portion of any profit I make on Pocket Full of Dreams to SafeBAE. Please also consider purchasing the book for any young person you may know, or a school--middle school, high school, or university age. We must end this culture of abuse together.
One of the reasons I always tell people not to be sorry, when they find out I have been in an abusive relationship, is because in the end, I am grateful for everything that has come of it. I believe God guided me through this nightmare so that I could serve a purpose in life, and that purpose is to help be a guiding for others in this situation. As a result of sharing my own experiences, it has led others to reach out and seek advice and guidance--sometimes for themselves, and sometimes to figure out how to be a supportive friend or family member. In fact, I get a number of folks reaching out to seek out resources and advice on how to help a friend or family member in an abusive relationship. So, I thought I would share some helpful tips and advice in case you're feeling overwhelmed, helpless, and/or frustrated.
We've all heard of the bystander effect. It is what happens when the presence of others discourages an individual from intervening in an emergency situation. More than just expecting someone else to intervene, when it comes to witnessing sexual assault or intimate partner violence, sometimes we just don't know how to intervene. However, there are many ways you can be an effective bystander, instead of a product of the bystander effect.
I gave a talk at Cal State Northridge today, and one student asked me what to do if someone keeps contacting you through social media, creating new accounts every time you block that person, or trying to reach you through contacting your friends. This is called cyberstalking. I told her I didn't think there was a perfect answer, based on my own experience, but in the least after you've asked the person to stop and done all you can to stop the person from contacting you, there are reports you can file with the police, so I wanted to share that info here (especially because I forgot the name of one of the reports!)